It’s easier to type 11 than 10 when I’m putting the dates onto things – so I should save almost a second of working time over the course of the year.

“Glee” is back on Monday, with Brittany a series regular – let’s hope she never takes any acting class that destroys her natural comic timing.

It’s now easier to calculate VAT in my head than it was before. Move the decimal point and double.

Keira Knightley returns to the West End next month. Though for £85 I’m sure there’ll be a few in the audience expecting her to do more than just talk about it…

I don’t have to go to any more crowded homeware sales now that I found what I wanted in the current one.

Us guys get a legit reason to look at photographs of Catherine (Kate) Middleton for the next few months, scoring romance bonus points for “just taking an interest in the Royal Wedding” should we be observed.

******************

Just before moving on (I’ve a lot of stuff to catch up on still), something I meant to post before the break but didn’t:

As I was posting my last December entry, I found that there was a cache of “comments” from various people stored in the blog ‘control panel’ but not making it online. There’s quite a few, and I really can’t get to them all, but thanks for reading and the feedback is both unexpected and appreciated. To one person: glad you liked the tube stuff and happy travelling; to another, the posts appear here only – and are a part of the publishing of the book. They aren’t really up for trade or further exploitation, but hyperlinks are welcome to this page from any page you have.

Oh and to the person who enjoyed the “Phantom” article, you might enjoy next week’s look at “Les Mis.”

Till next time. Happy 2011 one and all.

Thanks Mark, hope your back is better soon.

I was going through it just as the changes came in granting polytechnics the right to issue their own degrees, and the student loans / grant combination was first offered. Whatever the changes, my fees were paid and I could leave debt free at the end with enough knowledge to, er, well, run theatremonkey.com in fact.

It took me several attempts to reach higher education, but the fact was that I wanted to do so – and eventually somebody offered me a place and I did well and gained plenty from it. Would I have gone if facing a £30000 debt? No. Wouldn’t even have considered it. Bright enough, but also bright enough to know that very little is worth that.

So, the question is how to balance attracting the brightest – and make sure that every really bright student has the opportunity. My solution is this… In my day, roughly 10% rather than 43% of youngsters went to University. On my course, 50% failed to complete it, and as I understand now, it is an increasing problem – magnified by the numbers of new students now enrolling. I was kept ‘on the straight and narrow’ partly by self-motivation, partly by a clause in my council grant that demanded instant repayment of all grants given in the event of a single assignment failure. Concentrated the mind wonderfully. My conclusion is that all we need to do is identify the most able, and give them the wonderful gift I, and most of our government ministers enjoyed; but also allow others to taste it if they wish – just not necessarily at public expense.

With the abolition of AS levels (whatever they are, I think there is an S missing in the title, but can’t be sure), it leaves the lower sixth free to do as we did – drink and party too much and begin to learn self-reliance and motivation. What better than an open ‘self-study’ option that grants the top 10% of scorers a free education as I had?

I’m talking about an American-style S.A.T. test, structured as the current theory driving test is, and administered in the same way. Issue any interested student with a massive book of questions on topics including Mathematics, English language (Conflagration means crowning a monarch / itching / burning), Grammar, Verbal reasoning (aardvark is to Eskimo as Trifle is to… type questions), History, Geography and General Knowledge. Let them research the answers and memorise them – skills vital in university.

Then, at any time they feel ready during their lower sixth year, they can make an appointment at a test centre and sit a full day of multiple choice examinations facing a selection of both issued questions and similar but unseen ones. The unseen ones are needed to prevent ambitious schools setting up ‘learning by rote’ classes of course. For fairness, a second attempt can be made during the year, with only the highest score counting – thus satisfying the liberals.

In July, all candidates receive their marks, and the top 10% get their University fees paid in full – paying full £9000 if they drop out without reasonable excuse. The next 10% pay, say, £2000 per year – with a refund if they score a first class degree; the next £4000 with 80% refund for a first - and the rest pay any fee the government / university decide to set. We get a return to the old system, satisfying those like me who believe in opportunity, but also leave the door open for others. The current £9000 idea just slams doors shut and I for one hope the LibDems will find last minute courage to vote against, to prevent this.

And on that wish for universal peace, I’m taking a break from the blog until the third week in January. Wishing both readers all the very best for the holiday season and everything you wish for in 2011.

Those first few months saw only theatre lawyers, a few web-indexers and friends dropping by. Then, in Spring 2001, Google found it and I got my first feedback email from somebody in Japan.

And now it is 10, and gets around 200 emails a week. And the site has had more millions of visitors than I’d have thought possible. And it has a book –I really didn’t think that was possible. And it is recognised as a trade mark in its own right – both weird and impossible to really understand. That little purple and beige (as all the type and hyperlinks were on day one) website is now a growing green and gold one.

Without wishing to sound too much like an “X Factor” contestant; actually, without wishing to sound at ALL like an “X Factor” contestant (or an “American Idol” one, for US readers), I can only say that it has been a journey.

There have been good days, a few great ones and even a few not so great. The greatest are when, out of the blue (and coincidentally and luckily often following a not so great day) I get an email from somebody who has never been to the theatre before, used the site, and had such a wonderful time that they want to go again… and again… and again.

Equally wonderful is hearing from so many regular readers. Before printing, Mr P commented on how long the list of credits was on the last page of the book. Little did he know that it was the mere tip of the iceberg – readers who didn’t mind having their first names posted alongside their comments. Had I listed every person who has contributed over the years, the slim paperback would have become a pretty huge encyclopaedia.

Things do change over the years.Theatremonkey.com itself is now around five times the size it was, and incorporates many pages of information the original couldn’t and didn’t. It’s gone through four visual updates, the next due next year (I hope). Keeping up with online developments in presentation standards is one thing, keeping up with the West End itself is an equal challenge.

The main things I’ve noticed about the West End over the last ten years have been an increase in production quality – they really do keep looking better, employing ever more talented (and sometimes internationally famous) actors, still take the occasional risk… and still employ front of house, backstage and in associated businesses, the most amazing people I’ve had the good fortune to get to know over time.

Audiences themselves have change a bit. Casting, and television cross-overs have brought new people into the auditorium; and it seems (to me at least) that the general demographic is shifting away from simply the elderly, to encompass a far wider range.

If I could undo one thing, it would be the rising ticket prices. “Special Offer” prices now can be as high as “full price” tickets were back when I started Theatremonkey. The insidious march of “premium” seats has lead to empty rows where once appreciative audiences sat. A case of a sensible move (releasing a few prized seats that the producer would have kept back for personal use) becoming a potential revenue stream for hard put producers, and then that becoming over-used as some distinctly non-premium seats are put out at eye-popping rates.

Still, no need to be gloomy in general. Next year the West End should see some great work opening, and the year after the 2012 Olympics should boost London’s profile. And theatremonkey.com? I hope there is still some life left in the little hairy theatre-nut who emerged onto the fledgling worldwide web at the dawn of the new century. It couldn’t, and can’t exist without an amazing bunch of people behind it, though; and it is they who will ultimately decide whether it keeps going…

… Who are these people?  Everybody who reads the site, buys the book, provides an opinion and simply keeps this monkey going. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all.

www.facebook.com/ghostthemusical?v=app_11007063052
Truthfully, I only watched it because the publicist told me to… but it surprised me. There’s a really decent ballad in there – have a tissue ready, and a quick peek at some convincing special effects too.

Anyway, when I told them I liked it, they asked if I’d mind telling others, so, I thought instantly of an excuse, and when that didn’t work, I’ve posted here and at Dress Circle’s message board.  The things we do to push a show…

And then there is “Love Never Dies.” Unlike many online writers, this was a show I REALLY enjoyed. It has problems, but none insurmountable… and the music, cast and staging are terrific. Still, this week it is closed for more changes to be introduced (it has been evolving ever since it opened; this is now a bit of a chance to make even more, apparently) and the results will emerge by Friday.

Rather amusingly, there have also been unfounded rumours and suggestions that a third “Phantom” show should be written. The bad news is that it got me thinking… “Love Dies In The End” is set in 1944 England. Following the tradition - set in “Love Never Dies” – of playing with time and ages, this time we see a middle-aged Gustave checking his decrepit mother Christine into a retirement home somewhere on the Cornish coast. There, a masked old soldier (assumed deformed and rebuilt in the trenches by the ‘Guinea Pig Club’) is resident odd-job man and assistant to ancient Mrs Geary, who owns the place.

Her daughter Meg leads nightly singing at the piano in the residents’ lounge, and on the side entertains elderly military men who prefer the more mature lady. This entertainment (male, not piano) keeps the whole business afloat.

Mysteriously too, rooms are always vacant, and the turnover of residents is high… some hear ghostly music before they vanish, leaving only a pair of carpet slippers in front of their bedroom mirrors or by the lake in the grounds.

Friction soon builds between Christine and Meg as Christine begins to usurp Meg’s place at the piano. More annoyingly, the odd-job man / assistant seems to be fixing the weekly bingo sessions, as Christine becomes luckier and luckier each week.

Tensions build until a gripping VE Day finale, when Christine tragically chokes on a pork pie (made by Meg) at the VE day celebration party.

Well, it’s a thought anyway…

Oh, and just to finish: Kudos to the company who run the box office for Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre. Booked my tickets for the season yesterday. They were having a bit of computer trouble, yet dealt with it brilliantly – holding my favourite seats until the system came online again, then phoning me to confirm it. Tickets emailed as I replaced the handset. Perfect. Now all I have to do is hope for a dry summer.

Anyway, two theatremonkey things proved just how right the first part of that quote is (the ‘Time Flies’ one, not the ‘Religion’ one for those who are struggling to keep up even more than I am). First off, “Theatremonkey, A Guide To London’s West End” was published a year ago! A whole year since Mr P nervously tore the wrapper off that first box load and (deleted on grounds that what a man imports for personal reading is his own business) found beneath the first copies. A whole year since an exhausted courier showed up late in the afternoon – well, early in the evening really – with my copies and I nervously tour the wrapper off that box load and (deleted as what a man chooses to send to another man for personal reading is his own business – he forgot I can’t read Serbo-Croat, though) found beneath a book that in fact I’ve still not read… I’ve read it online, but am saving the print version for a rainy year.

The good news is that the book is still selling heavily, and is within Amazon’s top 20,000 even a year on. Beat that J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, Sue Townsend, J.R. Hartley and all.

Second, and equally amazing, theatremonkey.com is ten in 2 weeks time! I fondly remember that Saturday evening when it first went live – and life has never been the same since. If you had told me that 10 years later it’d be mentioned in the blog of influential theatre reviewers like Mark Shenton (http://blogs.thestage.co.uk/shenton/  thanks for the latest one, Mark), a book, a full-time micro-business and that I’d have had some truly amazing and unique experiences (mostly outdoing even those photographed in Mr P’s personal imports), well, I wouldn’t believe it either. Celebrating? You bet.

Speaking of treats, my copy of “Evening Primrose” arrived last Saturday… and I have to say it is very special indeed. If you are a Sondheim fan, this is a must – the tingle as you see those famous songs in context for the first time is amazing. For those who don’t know, this was a TV musical drama shown once on US TV in 1966, then never seen again. It included much covered numbers “I Remember Sky” and “Take Me to the World,” but for most fans it is the first chance to see the whole thing – the tape resided previously only in a New York library or in private hands as blurry bootleg copies.

Biggest revelation was Charmian (Liesl “Sound of Music”) Carr. Amazing voice, talented character actor and photogenic as anything too. Besides that, how many (like me) thought her name was Charmain, not Charmian – until an interview with her on the disc pointed it out!

Anyway, read more about what I thought of it at http://www.theatremonkey.com/Bookshelf.htm#Eve

That’s all – off to choose a hat for the big wedding next year… finally that pair got round to it. I’m really not much of a monarchist, but the festive atmosphere surrounding the news makes a nice change from the unrelenting gloom of economically depressed November. Also, as I said to an American friend, we do it so much better than Disney, just because we have the real thing to work with! On the other hand, at least Disney do it in 90 minutes on screen or every 30 in their parks – not 7 years. The biggest bananas can just take their time, I guess…

As a West End theatregoer, I’m constantly amazed by the talent on display. Many actors do a wonderful job, yet never become household names – remembering of course, that so are Andrex and Domestos (nice little girls, even if my neighbour does have peculiar tastes in kids’ names).

Either way, names like Linzi Hateley, Alexander Hanson and now Victoria Hamilton-Barritt seem destined to be known only to the musical theatregoing public who bother to take note of such things. Yet all are magnetic, electric on stage – and capable of holding thousands in thrall for as long as their performances last.

The “X Factor” is what they have in spades. It’s something unique and special within them, that makes an audience want to watch and trust them totally to deliver something memorable. It’s different for each performer; that’s why X is used to represent a variable that can’t be quantified (yes, I do have exam passes in mathematics and economics, thanks for asking) yet is as exciting and addictive as a Fry’s Chocolate Orange bar to any keen ’talent finder.’

The biggest thrill of all is thinking you’ve spotted one on a TV show – and that is what keeps me watching two C’s an M and a W every week ‘til Christmas each year. In 2008, I was delighted that I figured out Diana Vickers so quickly – and can’t say how pleased I am to read of her career since. This year, Rebecca Ferguson can safely count on my CD order. Where she finishes in the contest doesn’t matter, I’d say – just a voice I could listen to for hours, and seemingly a temperament to match.

Paragraph 6, and I make my point… Katie Waissel confused me. Watching the auditions, I thought there was something very special there. One of the few who had obviously thought about presentation, her Madonna look was an instant hit. Her ‘little girl’ pleadings to be allowed another try rang a bit false – but then these things are edited and nerves are at work. From then until now, well, press stories are put out to keep the show in the public eye and the show itself is an entertainment event, not really a talent contest at all (Ben Elton’s “Chart Throb” is about right, probably too close for comfort in fact). Katie Waissel’s actual performances have varied for me – loved “I Wanna Be Like You,” not keen on “We Are The Champions” etc.

And then on Sunday Ms Waissel melted on stage during the elimination contest… and it confused me. Just how good a performer is she? Her timing and action were impeccable BUT why didn’t the sincerity come across too? Maybe the fact we saw it on TV, rather than felt it from the judges seats in the studio were the reason they saved her… but what is the blockage? An able entertainer with a unique quality should be able to hypnotise an audience at will – at the moment she doesn’t always, but when she does, it’s great. Is she as good as I think she is? I had hoped so, but like I said – I’m confused. Still, worth remembering that when all is said and done, she is young and taking a lot of personal abuse at the moment, and really, it is all just a game.

Unlike every other vast ticket selling site, the monkey one didn’t crash (Connie Fisher and Lee Mead’s records are intact), but the reader figure spike was more than noticeable.

Also popular; a year on, Amazon.co.uk were down to their last five copies of “Theatremonkey, A Guide To London’s West End” yesterday. Luckily, last night Mr P had a rummage around in his shed, and (when he’d finished doing that / been bailed from custody) told his warehouse to send them extra. Still, the stock can’t last for ever – now may be a good time to get your order in before the turkey bashing season.

I should point out to American readers that “Turkey Bashing” is 25^th December in the UK, not “Thanksgiving.” We don’t have that – though I enjoy both gridiron games – those we do get. My point is: why did America give Halloween back to us? We had a perfectly good Autumn event – Guy Fawkes Night – that gave an unruly element a 50/50 chance of getting horribly disfigured by firework and bonfire accidents, rather than giving them100%  licence to run riot around the neighbourhood extorting cash and vandalising innocent people’s homes. Guy Fawkes suits the British temperament in the same way Halloween suits Americans. So, once we can get the ‘elf and safety wallies (clowns / doofusses – or is doofi the plural? / you get the picture USA) off our backs, can we have our festival back, please?

And just to round off, not sure about either change imminent in the West End. Andrew Lloyd Webber selling 4 theatres? Bit mad, but if the new owners spend a bit of cash and maybe invest in good online booking, I can live with it. The National Theatre Cottesloe auditorium becoming the Dorfman Theatre? Initially a bit upset, but then the Cottesloe is going to be extensively re-modelled anyway to make it a new theatre more or less, and Dorfman did give us the Travelex Season. Besides, if his first name was Saul, we could have great fun answering the phone… “Saul Dorfman” doesn’t half sound like a posh person telling somebody to “go away” in clear language, no?!

You have to feel sorry for the Cottesloe family losing their name on a theatre (but they will gain a café). I feel sorrier, though, for a friend who has just started a computer peripherals website with a medieval theme aimed at the male market (pictures of serving wenches with printers etc etc.) Suddenly, his domain name doesn’t sound half so clever… YeMeninkcartridges.com…

The net result was that I had to cancel my eagerly anticipated outing to sing with the cast of ‘Wicked’ last Friday night. Come to think of it, though, the cast themselves probably weren’t that bothered. I’m told that they hate it when members of the audience join in the chorus of “Defying Gravity” from the front of the dress circle.

Second virus of that weekend struck the monkey machine when casually surfing at the weekend. Following unfortunate incidents some years ago, I thought I had the beefiest anti-virus system around… I did, until suddenly “Malware Doctor” installed itself on my machine and told me that my machine was ‘badly infected’ with all types of nasty data stealing devices – and would remain that way until I gave the helpful doctor my credit card number.

Having seen fake programs like this before, I instead rang the amazing people at my REAL anti-virus software company. From them, I got the facts. I relate them here in the hope that they help the other person who reads this blog (though Mr P is quite handy with computers himself, come to think of it.)

Apparently a Mafia-funded Russian outfit is placing this virus on badly secured websites. Visitors to those websites find the virus trying to get onto their machines.

The hope is that people will enter their credit card number to buy the fake software the virus promises, a double whammy as not only is rubbish sold, but now they have the card details too.

My mistake was what I did when the virus appeared. I tried to close my browser by clicking on the screen. If you do that – indeed, if you click ANYWHERE on your browser screen – that is the signal for permission for the virus to load itself into your computer. It then sits there issuing warning bubbles and closing down any anti-virus or backing up program it can find.

What I should have done was either clicked my “Start” button and shut the machine down from that, or hit the “Reset” button on my machine’s casing, or just pulled the plug out of the wall then re-booted. So now we all know.

Anyway, my anti-virus company told me I’d done nothing wrong – the infection is rampant and mutating faster than they can proof against it. Luckily, because I had always followed their advice to date, they were able to enter my machine remotely (the virus usually blocks this option – meaning a repair shop job) and clean the mess up in 20 minutes. All free of charge. They also loaded, and trained me to use, some extra ‘pro quality’ shareware anti-malware programs. Again, all free of charge. There is a very good reason why my IT company recommend using this lesser known but industry leading anti-virus outfit… this is it.

One final tip, I found out on two consecutive days from two wonderful professionals that 1) gargling with diluted TCP soothes the ‘Man Flu’ virus a treat but that 2) pouring diluted TCP into a USB port doesn’t treat the ‘Malware Doctor’ virus at all. Who knew?