Theatremonkey

Two incidents this week confirmed one of my long held suspicions that those who ‘live and breathe’ theatre by working in it are far detached from those to whom they wish to sell tickets – the paying audience.

To explain: first call came from an old friend wanting a couple of very hard to get seats for a hit show over the Christmas holidays. While attempting to explain the various methods by which this show sells its tickets, I could feel my own brain beginning to glaze over… and that is bearing in mind I’ve actually written a book with a whole chapter on the subject. Now I feel I may have the reason for how Mr P’s pharmacist can afford the holidays he takes every three months, bearing in mind how often Mr P had to read my explanation when editing the tome.

Anyway, for this particular show it really isn’t that easy to get a ticket even if you DO know how to navigate the system, but to explain it to anybody else without a working knowledge proved farcical, “So, you see, yes, the original producing theatre does have some tickets without a booking fee – but not very many as they are not the actual box office, whatever the phone numbers might say.  No, the phone number for the actual Theatre box office has changed, and even if you ring them they have two systems as well. One controls mostly online sales, while another has different seats for telephone bookers – but the online system can also be seen by the telephone answering staff too if they have to. Oh and yes, there is a booking fee to pay, but it includes a “restoration charge” unless you are booking online where the restoration charge is shown as part of the booking fee – but either way, yes, you are paying an extra pound towards replacing the manky foyer carpet one day.”

My friend got probably the last available tickets for that entire month, but without some guidance, who knows if the result would have been as successful.

The second incident was an email from a reader. Shocked at the price quoted for a family outing to a show next spring on the theatre’s website, they emailed me to ask why the price was so much lower according to Theatremonkey.com than the one they had seen elsewhere on the first site they found.

Turns out this reader was almost the victim of a horrible problem that is becoming more and more widespread online. Unless a theatre or show name is a registered trade mark (and sometimes not even that is protection) ANYBODY can buy any internet site name related to a show. So, any ticket agent – legitimate or not – could own, say, “TheSoundOfMusicBoxOffice.com” or “HerMajestysTheatreTicketSales.com” and have a pretty decent chance that the real producer / theatre owner will do nothing about it. Work a bit of magic with Google, and the site will be the first one that appears when “Sound Of Music Tickets” is typed in. With 40% of web traffic going to the first name on the list, and a lot of uninformed people – you can see why buying a name like that for a few pounds is lucrative, and worth riding luck for until lawyers catch up with them.

Again I was able to set the reader straight and they obtained the tickets they wanted direct from the real box office website (indeed, were able to choose their seats using the box office system and Theatremonkey seating plans for advice).

Simply, I think there is a way to go for the theatre industry to catch up with what is happening online and in the wider world. The public are now used to having things simply and instantly, and theatres / producers need to make things far simpler. To sum up my own advice, I’d say this:

1)       Find out the official box office telephone number and website address. www.Theatremonkey.com have them without fail for all major West End theatres, www.Officiallondontheatre.co.uk  have even more, and www.londontheatre.co.uk is also a good source of contact details. You’ll start with a knowledge of the original ticket prices at least.

2)       If you can’t find anything that way, approach a genuine ticket agency. Look for the Society of Ticket Agents and Retailers symbol – its on the top right of all Theatremonkey pages and can be seen, with a list of all members at the official website www.star.org.uk. Some agents charge much more than others, but none more than around 25% more – and your ticket will be genuine.

It’s a jungle out there, but it is possible to buy without getting caught in the undergrowth. Good hunting, everybody.

TheWest End more or less has musicals suitable for every taste. The young teenage market have “Wicked” and “Legally Blonde.” Older teenagers and twenty-somethings’ get “Rock Of Ages;” by 30 the mature “Les Misérables” satisfies and “Chicago” provides sophistication for those wanting something lighter. “Ghost” takes care of those 50+ “Kids old enough to fend for themselves for one evening” and then the sublime “Crazy For You” mops up the older crowd with a modern take on the old fashioned song and dance tuner.

Stereotyping? Yes, and to make a point. “Shrek,” “The Lion King,” “The Wizard of Oz” and now “Matilda The Musical.” All “just for children” right? Wrong. Each is a highly sophisticated show created using the latest theatrical techniques by a cast and creative team who take these multi-million pound spectaculars as seriously as if it were their own multi-million pounds on the line.

The trouble is convincing adult audiences that these are more than just “something to take the kids to during school holidays.” Combine this with ticket prices that have parents wondering whether to sue the London Rubber Company retrospectively for maintenance contributions, and the result is the title “Marketing Nightmares.”

And yet… should we be slightly worried by the ‘infantalisation’ of theWest End? A decade or more ago the West End was home only to musicals of adult appeal. Rogers and Hammerstein, Bock and Harnick, Kander and Ebb, Boublil and Schoenberg, Lloyd Webber and Whoever. All producing shows that may not have had particularly sophisticated stories, but had a complexity that firmly put them in the category of “babysitter required.”

Current marketing theory has it, I guess, that selling four seats is better than two. Combined with that, many producers take an “average” for production income. This means that they may well budget for being packed to the rafters 13 weeks per year plus weekends – and not worry too much about the tumbleweed cleared from the stalls Monday to Thursday during term time.

It’s always better to have a theatre open than closed, but just how depressing is it to attend a theatre where at least one circle isn’t in use, and the ‘house has been dressed’ by dotting audience members around the remaining seats to make it look busy?

Adding to that the impression from listings magazines that London theatre is the home of kids DVD to stage transfers and it isn’t perhaps the easiest proposition to sell any more.

Some of the above shows I’ve seen and absolutely loved – they fall easily into the “too good for children at any time” category. Some I found just plain dull for anybody, adult or child. None, to be fair, I thought were absolutely “child only” (more often NOT for young children, in fact). It’s just that it would be nice to see a few more titles that promise more of an “occasion” night out, that’s all.

When I was much younger – much younger than today (not a bad opening line, that, might even set it to music, perhaps) anyway… when I was young – in fact, right up until I hit my 30s, “Halloween” was just a Scottish greeting to a child, “hello, wean.”

Then somebody looked across to the USA, home of great marketing ideas like “New Coke” and “EuroDisney” and realised that there was a packet to be made in rubber teeth and pumpkins.

It is reportedly the third largest retail bonanza after the big Birth and Death celebrations of December and April. As I’ve never given a toss about the 14^th of February, which it unseated, I shouldn’t be worried about that – but it says something that people prefer to spend cash scaring each other than loving them. Still, given the volume of bullets flying around the Middle East at the moment, this zeitgeist isn’t much of a surprise I guess.

What depresses me far more is the loss of Britain’s own, traditional November pick-me-up “Guy Fawkes Night.” Killed off by the (deleted as children may be reading) who think anything British and Fun should cease immediately in favour of any imported event that can be marketed rather than celebrated, and the result is one gaping hole in my diary where November 5^th used to be.

Every year, I used to volunteer at one of the best bonfire / firework / charity fundraising events in London… until the bureaucrats and PC Brigade killed it off almost 10 years ago. They decided kids should be burned and maimed at home, rather than at our safe event – and that marking the foiling of a significant plot that would have destroyed our country forever takes a back seat to foreign stuff based on personal belief and superstition.

All I can think is that the 31^st October was grabbed as an event to celebrate the horror of becoming a family, hence the insistence on stupid costumes all round. If you add in the obvious commercial appeal of receiving confectionary worth 70p a go instead of just a “penny for the Guy” then it all makes sense to stretch the household budget.

This past Monday, though, I finally figured out the solution to the licensed yobbery and begging so kindly provided by the Obama types. Somebody I know’s solution was to answer the door wielding a camcorder. Before saying a word, he filmed everybody on his doorstep (through the porch window, of course). Handing over ‘bargain basement sweets’ any dissatisfaction was met with the comment that he now had all callers on camera, and that any untoward event would result in the images being handed to the authorities for criminal investigation – with local schools circulated to provide names.

Having first decided to spend nearly 80p on a packet of cheap chocolate biscuits just in case the vandals called, I came up with a better solution, that I post here for future use by those like me who prefer to watch TV undisturbed and will not tolerate criminal damage to my property even if committed by a grossly overweight Cheryl Cole impersonator.

First, buy a roll of masking tape and a marker pen. Use it to put a small but visible note on your front door (the masking tape peels off without a mark, and its message is only visible to those close to it). Writing “Baby Asleep, No Callers Please. Thank You,” with a “Do Not Disturb, please” also taped over the bell and door knocker worked for me.

It’s not about being grouchy, just that I object to being forced to participate in something which is totally alien to me and which grates even worse for replacing a great national event in which for centuries we all took so much pride. Now, off to raid Mr P’s wardrobe as I have a Bonfire Guy to stuff…

Yes, I cannot believe the number either, but the WordPress counter tells me it is correct and adds some stupid gibberish ‘inspirational’ message to tell me, too.

It seems like over two years ago that, following a ‘full and frank exchange of ideas’ about how my new book should be publicised, Mr P eventually persuaded me (with great reluctance) to write blog entries. In fact, it was over two years ago.

The blog started as a record of how book sales were going – still very well, since you ask, but do buy now as there are not that many left and the Christmas sales rush will likely mop up most if not all remaining stock – but has now grown as an outlet for me to let off some steam about things I either care about or really don’t care about but want to discuss anyway.

Thinking of stuff to write isn’t that easy. I said from the start that my ‘private’ life is just that (and, for the record, no I don’t know anybody called “Fox”). Luckily, I’ve found I can keep most stuff private and still find a way of blogging so that the few hundred who read this regularly still keep awake.

Some of it of course involves Mr P. For those who still don’t know, Mr P – the real one – is a quiet and unassuming writer / publisher type who gets on with life from an office in East London. He is, though, rather proud that on my blog he is part James Bond, part Lothario and large part Mr Bean. OK, maybe he isn’t so thrilled about the last bit, but lawyers are pretty expensive and the first two cancel out the first for him (I think).

The rest is, as I’ve said, stuff that catches my attention. I also follow as most writers do the rule of “seasonality.” Read any daily / weekly / monthly publication and all are the same. You get your “How to Tan” articles in Summer, your “How to Tan on Skis” in Winter and your “How to Tan a Behind” in most magazines Mr P subscribes to… but (or should that be butt?) moving swiftly on…

It really is easiest to write that way, and as of now “The X Factor” provides plenty to write about. Really interesting how the majority of the audience is seeing through the fakery of the production now. What I find a little sad, though, is that there are some quite strong acts that are worth watching – just as viewing figures are falling. Such is life.

Also on topic, was I the only one (other than Nick Hewer – who, incidentally, one of my readers resembles, oddly) horrified by one team’s lack of mathematical ability on “Young Apprentice” on Monday night? As I posted in a blog entry a while back, I don’t understand why so many people are so terrified by mathematics – and felt then that something should be done about it. What scared me this time around was that all those involved in the TV programme trailed high exam passes in the subject.

Either our exams really are too easy, or there’s something wrong with the methods that are being taught. We learned mental arithmetic and time-honoured ways of doing “the four rules of numbers” that the teenagers struggled with. That was replaced in the years these teens were at school with so-called “simpler” methods that may be easier short term, but I’m told don’t require the same intellectual application and can’t be refined much with practise.

The old way may by harder, but at least I still know (without a calculator) that four threes are NOT twenty eight (they are of course one hundred and fifty, for those who are still interested). Not true either, but a neat way to finish this entry, isn’t it.

Thanks to all who have read all 150 entries, who buy the book it was set up to promote, and who continue to support everything I do. It really is appreciated.

No, this isn’t another diatribe about “Big Brother’s Driving School Twenty Below Zero In Essex.” It’s more about the more subtle ways in which ‘reality’ suddenly becomes fictional when a TV camera gets involved.

What sparked this was a programme last night about a local hotel. First, it amazed me that the show’s presenter actually got to it. I mean, the place has for many years been a local curiosity – and the relief when a “Premier Inn” opened nearby… but most people seem to find it easily enough (it’s unmissable, for many reasons). Anyway, the presenter managed to get there by driving completely the wrong way along our local high street, while speaking to camera. Even more interestingly, she managed to “do the time warp” by driving the same stretch of road several times in one sentence, and in fact go past several of the buildings in random order. Who knew that Mercedes manufactured Tardises? Note: Not sure if the plural of Tardis is Tardi, Tardes or as I’ve put – Whovians, feel free to email.

The rest of the programme was also curious in that several “local” businesses were invited – with the definition of “local” being rather wider than I’d put it, and one shop I didn’t recognise at all getting in on the act. Further, in the rest of the programme it seemed like few of the things the hotel has a local reputation for were addressed as we might expect. Still, it was entertaining viewing and I hope a local business will do well from it.

To pad out this entry, and tie in with the theme, “The X Factor” is back, and as ever I’m glued by its fakery too. For a start, the studio is far smaller than it looks on TV. The usual format of casting ‘types’ is evident too. The “young kid with a quirk” is ably filled by Janet Devlin, so fragile – turns out she is a well known horse rider, so used to pressure. Amazing voice though. The “Wicked Witch” falls to Kitty Brucknell, another voice that is getting lost in the negative hype about her. Personally, I think she is very talented but also needs help to sort herself out (post-traumatic stress disorder?) – which she won’t get on this TV trial.

“Cute Group for the Girls” falls to “The Risk” – who might improve as they get used to each other, but I quite like already. “Weird Fun” is our local boy Johnny, the only person to realise it’s an entertainment show and actually enjoy himself. Sami as the “Big Girl” of the year, and Mischa B as the “Big Street Girl” of the year respectively; both have voices that are almost too big for television, but provide welcome relief from the more aggressive “Boy Balladeer” and “Younger Boy Balladeer” performances from Frankie and Craig. It is odd that Amelia had to leave; but Sophie does have a quiet that is rather enjoyable amid the hype – one to watch, with luck.

If theatre is an illusion, then television is even more so… but we’d miss this stuff if it was gone, I think. Just so long as we remember those wise words of Davina to the losers who exited the Elstree studio sound stage, sorry, Big Brother House, each week: “None of it is real, it’s just entertainment, don’t forget that.”

A message posted on the Whatsonstage.com discussion board caught my attention yesterday. The poster (whose existence is known to me) was talking about a performance of “Crazy For You” that she attended.

As it happens, I was there the same night, and for the same reason.

Besides the ‘press night’ – when reviewers from the newspapers and other media are invited to give their opinions – many productions in the West End also have what are known as “Trade Nights.” It was one of these that she spoke of.

“Trade Nights” are when those involved in the industry, either directly as sellers of tickets or as individuals who regularly take large groups to the theatre, are invited to see a show.

They all run pretty much the same way: you get an email offering you tickets, to which you reply quickly to make sure you have a place on the list. On the night, you wait outside the theatre for somebody carrying a clipboard with your benefactor company’s name on it. An envelope is discreetly handed over, your name checked off, and you take your (generally rather good) seats for the show.

What the Whatsonstage poster noted is that this system has a single issue… you get a “professional” audience who know how to behave. By that, she meant they “laughed in the right places” and thus may have distorted the atmosphere.

That got me thinking.

The advantage of a “Trade Night” is that those around you DO know how to behave, every time. Many are conscious that they are ‘representing their company’ and that misbehaviour will be reported. Thus your fellow audience members for rows around (Trade seats are usually in blocks) are attentive and don’t disturb those around them – so it’s far easier to concentrate than when a noisy pair of friends are chatting behind you throughout the show (you know who you are and when)…

What they also are, and this I agree with, is cynical. We all see a lot of theatre due to our work and, like professional press reviewers, it takes more to impress us. We are also a less demonstrative bunch – so yes, the actors won’t get the standing ovation often – though anything else they earn, from laughs to gasps, are worth far more as they are harder won.

The other problem is the distortion of our views. I raved about “Shrek: The Musical” but, as a Theatremonkey.com reader (who works in the industry and was wondering whether to buy seats for the family at £65 a go wondered), would I have loved the show as much if I’d shelled out £130 on a pair of tickets? The answer would be “yes,” but it made me think. That’s a heck of a lot of cash, and no wonder prices are rising if much of the world who set them aren’t actually paying them…

The theatre industry is tiny and impenetrable, and also a magic place to be. It’s important that the magic is spread as widely as possible and, rather like our present Toffy, sorry, Tory, government, we should always remember that it is the widest possible view from the ordinary tax paying and ticket buying person that ultimately keeps us in business.

Oh, and by the way, “Crazy For You” IS worth the price of a ticket – and has made the move indoors very successfully indeed. It’s terrific, go see.

“No Turn Unstoned.” An old joke describing a reviewer’s work. What surprised me following the opening of “Rock Of Ages” at the Shaftesbury Theatre last week was just how many angry people wanted to stone those very reviewers.

Having done the mathematics, I concluded that even if every cast and crew member working on the show were adopted (which would allow them to claim 12 rather than 6 parents and grandparents each) there still wouldn’t be enough to match the number of comments posted. Thus, I feel there is a strong fan audience out there – some militant.

There’s two points I want to make about those missile launchers: first, get a sense of perspective about life in general. Reacting violently because somebody doesn’t enjoy the same thing as you do is the root of insanity. Second, provide examples to back up your arguments. That isn’t just examination rubric, it’s the foundation of convincing debate.

For myself, I too saw the show and was negative in my assessment of it. I found the immaculate staging and top cast and crew innocent – I’d gladly see all of them in any other project they’d care to attempt. The fault, for me, lay in the structure of the show itself. For me, and many professional reviewers and regular musical theatre fans, it just didn’t work.

Stephen Citron wrote an amazing book, “The Musical From the Inside Out” which gives a pretty good overview of how stage musicals are usually constructed. How they ensure each song elicits the required response from an audience, how the story should be paced and how the songs are integrated to build a satisfactory evening.

Knowing this formula or not, it’s generally what musical theatre fans expect – whether the show is ‘original’ or a bunch of existing pop songs hung together “Jukebox.” There are many successful examples of the latter type, and they keep everybody working in the West End Theatre world (myself included) going, thank you. So, no snobbery from this quarter.

“Rock Of Ages” failed on two counts, I’d say, for some musical theatre fans – like me. The first, and most important, was in the story. With such strong songs, so powerfully performed, the story had to be strong to carry them. Instead, there were no “twists” or surprises. What upset a lot of reviewers too was the misogyny of the script and the ‘lewd joke,” “song,” “lewd joke,” “song,” “unfunny ironic reference,” “song” etc pattern of the evening. All these were delivered without “buttons” either. The “button” is the moment the audience knows the song is over and should clap. Combined with the (absent here) clear ordering of songs into the “I want” number early in the show and the “11 O’clock” number 2 songs after the interval, there was little to signal the progress of the evening. It’s a subconscious thing, this rhythm, but it’s absence is noticed.

Second, and the bigger failure, was the manner in which the songs were treated. We seemed to get not only ‘short’ versions of many – which isn’t ever really good for a song, I think – and they weren’t really ‘serving’ the story. Some of the lyric, and the mood, were relevant, but not enough, I’d say.

My guess is that it is these two things that got many reviewers’ radars pinging that this show was very different. The reaction to that resulted in the now famous ‘pile of waste matter’ review.

In short, this show is “Pure Theatrical Marmite.” It may find an audience outside the conventional theatregoer, which would be fantastic if it brings new people in… but don’t castigate us of the ‘old guard’ either – we’ll certainly enjoy the unexpected if it is well done, but if we feel it isn’t, you can’t really blame us for speaking out… that’s a freedom worthy of defence. And anyway, it’s all just ‘rock and roll.’

Reading a well known theatre message board, a sad lady reported being stuck behind somebody so tall that she couldn’t see a thing. Worse, it was a full theatre so she couldn’t move until somebody kindly offered their seat.

What impressed me was her resignation and the fact she didn’t get angry. It got me thinking about other stuff we sort of have to accept, even if we shouldn’t, that has happened to me in the past week.

Microsoft: Many of us use it every day – and can’t use something else as it is so common. All the bugs and annoying things it won’t let you do… like watch video without re-booting for some reason. Say no more.

Mad parenting: In the street, I watched in horror as a mother gave her toddler daughter a swig from a bottle of Diet Coke. I VERY nearly said something when she then lovingly applied the bottle to the lips of her second child… an even younger one strapped into a pushchair. That lead on to,

Children using Computers: That IPad2 advert with some tot ‘writing’ “Lion” on the screen with his finger… AAARGGGHHHH!!!!! Speaking as somebody who had massive trouble learning handwriting for many years, the skills needed to hold a writing pencil take time to develop. What good is saying ‘it’s OK to use a finger’ doing? There’s time enough for computers when starting work. School and early years outside it are for experiencing and gathering knowledge, I think.

New Paint: Required, but it stinks until it dries, and nothing I found on the web about preventing it (cut onions, warm milk, open a window) seems to work. Caused by,

Builders: Those who apply the new paint etc and have the knack of being all over the place while working.
And then there are,

Barking dogs: If you live next door, you can deal with it. Somewhere further afield and you can’t track it down exactly, nor use the devices that cure it without owners knowing.

Big Companies changing rules: Collected ‘Air Miles’ for years in the hope of a big trip. Now almost got enough… and it’ll cost me more to use them than I could get a ticket for elsewhere. They just changed the rules without a thought for loyalty.

Central Telephone rooms: If it isn’t on their screen, they can’t help. Luckily, this time I had an email address of somebody who can, but do the company know they are losing sales?

Looking stupid when buying a bed: You have to lay on them in the middle of the shop. There’s no choice. You spend half your life in one, so it has to be comfortable. Two further tips: 1) decide before testing if you want to buy a pillow at the same time, and bring it over to the department. You’ll only look stupid once. 2) Go to John Lewis. Helpful beyond the call of duty and not as expensive as you’d think.
And finally,

Graffiti: I really hate this – and (Banksy aside) those “tags” are NOT ‘street art’, just nasty. Occasionally, however, you get surprised. I was walking through an area where you can’t tell the difference between house prices and the estate agent’s phone number on the page. On a traffic island sign, an elegant hand had scrawled in marker pen, “Four legs good, two legs bad.” Orwell quotations as graffiti outside of a university campus? All those school fees paid off – shame they didn’t learn ‘social responsibility’ or ‘good citizenship’ for those around them, though… but then I’m guessing that’s how they may have got to live there in the first place…

So, my rant for the week is over. Feel much better now. Thanks for reading.

Following on from my entry below, “The Stage” journalist, reviewer and blogger Mark Shenton presents his take on the situation (with a quote from my blog) at:

http://blogs.thestage.co.uk/shenton/2011/09/the-premium-and-dangers-behind-premium-a/.

You take two tins of baked beans from a supermarket shelf. You pay for your shopping, then realise you need another tin. You return to the shelf, and find the price has gone up because the supermarket recognised baked beans as popular right now.

You’d be at the customer services desk to complain within moments… yet when you buy your airline ticket, you don’t comment at all when exactly the same thing happens.

It isn’t an ‘internet’ thing either. Fifteen years ago – pre online – the travel industry did it all the time with air tickets. I know, I was there. The thing to remember is that (with a few exceptions near the bulkheads and toilets) all airline seats in a single class are the same. You pay for extra space and that is all – you get to the same place regardless.

Theatre seats are different. Some have better views than others, and are differentiated by price accordingly. The best seats are now at “premium” prices, and an article in “The Stage” newspaper (15^th September 2011) suggests that theatre owners Ambassador (ATG) want to experiment with this further next year as their new reservation system goes live.

Put simply, they want to designate a group of seats at “premium” price and then reduce them if demand dictates. This has already been seen in a small way with one production at one of their venues earlier in the year, but they hope to expand it.

I’m is curious about whether this will work. At one smash hit new musical, Theatremonkey.com has already had two reports of readers asking to be moved in advance / being moved on the day by the venue to fill gaps in the ‘premium’ area.

This begs the question, “will advance bookers alter their habits once word gets out?” We already know that consumers play ‘chicken’ with any retailer who has either perishable stock like holidays to sell, or deadlines like Christmas Day to shift merchandise. Whoever blinks first suffers – and it seems to be the seller more often than not.

It might surprise people to know that the amount of cash in the advance sales box office is pretty vital to a producer. They can’t actually touch it until an agreed point after the performance date, but it accumulates interest (whether for producer or box office operator provides some amusing court cases) but it does provide ‘security’ for advance planning – and enhances producers’ credibility when they begin work on their next project.

What worries me is that the ‘advance’ may shrink noticeably under the new system, to the detriment of planning for new shows. I’m not much for ‘advance booking’ myself, but if I do, and know that if I wait until a week before I could get far better seats for the same price… I’ll wait.

Regular theatregoers – the lifeblood of new shows for their first few weeks until word spreads – are a clever bunch, and are likely (I predict) to do the same. Result: no interest earned on advance cash, no people safely booked in who will spread the word about a show, no nice cushion of cash in the box office for a producer to launch an new project from.

The ATG experiment may work, it may not… but either way, I really hope they know what they are doing…