Theatremonkey

Actually, somebody on the Whatsonstage.com message board noticed that “Ghost” seats in row A of the upper circle, normally £45 each, were going for £67.50 at a recent weekend performance.

I took a look, and found that at “peak” performances (Valentine’s Day and the like), some interesting things were happening – just as theatre owner ATG said they would.

To be fair, the situation isn’t quite the scenario proposed when the idea was raised by them last autumn. It seems that, rather than starting with prices high then lowering them nearer the time, the opposite is happening. As the performance date draws near and demand is assessed, prices rise on some remaining seats. Those £45 upper circle tickets become £67.50, those rear stalls at £67.50 become “premium” seats at £85 each. The later bird must therefore pay more for an inferior worm.

Presumably, though I’ve not yet tested this, prices will plunge again to more sensible levels in the last few hours before show time.

The thing to remember is that about two-thirds of all theatre bookings across all shows are made within 30 days of the performance, and almost a fifth on the day itself. Just taking “Ghost” as an example; if you look ahead around a month, tickets are being sold at the prices originally announced – no change there. It’s those two-thirds who could be caught… and my question is now about the effect it’s going to have in the medium term.

Less than 10% of theatregoers book more than a month ahead, and I’d pretty much assume that they are mostly regulars, far-sighted tourists or those seeking entry to a bigger hit like “War Horse.” On Broadway, when hits like “Book of Mormon” are spotted, prices in entire sections of the theatre – the whole orchestra stalls for example – are raised to “premium” levels. Londont heatres using “dynamic pricing” could move as quickly… but I wonder how many regular theatregoers would simply wait to see if prices fall or offers emerge. “Advance Box Office” and the interest accumulating on that money could well be lost.

The 30-day brigade are going to be hardest hit. Imagine if you bought a terrible seat for £95 not from a tout / scalper… but from the theatre itself – who know full well the ‘proper’ price is only £67.50. PR disaster triggered by greed for sure.

Just this week, a Theatremonkey.com reader was upset that his second price ticket for a show had a poor view. In the West End, ticket prices are traditionally set proportional to view – and the show he saw has a massive gap between top and second price for a good reason. Nobody had explained that to him until I did, and it all made sense to him once I did.

Imagine if that ‘safety valve’ is removed… I for one wouldn’t hesitate to take legal action under existing legislation if I were sold a full price seat with a restricted view. It’s illegal… and “dynamic pricing” could lead somebody into a lot of trouble on that count alone.

More to the point, as the day draws nearer – say a week or so ahead – and all the even half decent seats are far more expensive… is anybody going to buy them anyway? My guess is a few, but far fewer than would willingly pay the normal price – especially at times when there are fewer tourists (who must see the show there and then or miss it forever) are around.

Theatre is an expensive product to produce, and to consume. The internet has produced an amazing system for discounting, and cuts costs for box offices as reservation handling migrates to computers rather than needing actual people. There is a limited case for charging more for a few prime seats at the last moment, perhaps, but surely in the interests of a mass audience there’s a much stronger one for fairness in pricing, and to remember that we are customers with choices and options… including NOT to buy…

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Oh, and finally, great news for my old friend / foreword writer for the Theatremonkey book / fellow “dynamic pricing” protester / leader of the Critic’s Circle… MrMark Shenton is finally tying the knot with his long-term partner Mark. Congratulations to them both.

For both readers who checked in today expecting, as is usual in my blog around the 14^th February, to hear about Mr P’s exploits on that day: an apology. I’m afraid I’ve not been able to contact him. I can reassure his fan, though, that it was confirmed that the CPS have decided that taking the matter further ‘is not in the public interest at this time.” Provided it doesn’t happen again, of course…

Moving swiftly on, a posting on the “Dress Circle Showbiz Shop” message board last week gave me the inspiration for today’s entry. Somebody was asking for a CD version of musical “Smike” – a rock piece based on the Smike section of “Nicholas Nickleby.” Since it dates from the late 70s, it was never released on that format – but I was amazed at how many readers treasured the LP version and how warmly remembered the songs were. That got me thinking about other ‘lesser known’ musicals I’ve enjoyed, and I thought I’d share a few here.

So, to start with “Smike”: The “wah, wah, wa wa wa wa wahhhh” thudding intro to the overture, “Warm Light of a Brand New Day,” “Parents” and “The Daily Test” are all fond memories and some of the tunes equal “Oliver!” for sure. Shame the book (of the musical, not the novel itself) doesn’t work quite so well towards the end, but still one schools delight in doing.

On a school-show theme “Captain Stirrick” made a huge impression on me as a child, and I’m lucky enough to still possess a recording of the film version shown once on Channel 4 in 1984 and never seen since. Blending traditional music of the time with searing scenes of child poverty and desperation, it’s fabulous to watch and hear (even though the film leaves out a lot of the stage music). Maybe it could even be updated to today’s troubled inner cities too – the theme of young people with knives, acting out of fear, is still completely relevant today.

A much loved book about childhood is “A Tree Grows In Brooklyn.” The musical may have been forgotten by all, as were all attempts to film it (there’s too much internal dialogue to ever work visually in any medium I fear), but “Growing Pains” – an alcoholic father giving advice to his daughter – is an audition favourite and is worth a listen.

The fabulous “Lost In Boston” CD series – deleted now, I understand – yields two more ballads which will cause hearts to break. “Who Gave You Permission” was dropped as the opening of “Ballroom,” as a suddenly bereaved wife rails at her late husband’s thoughtlessness – who’ll share a loaf, take that vacation ticket? Later in the show, “The Application” has her applying for a job… and realising the only one she wanted was ‘mother.”

Still on heartbreakers, and on a disc called “Barbara Cook, Live At Sadler’s Wells” a fond memory of an audience so shaken it couldn’t applaud is recorded with “Errol Flynn.” Autobiographical for writer Amanda McBroom, Cook gives the tale of a ‘B’ Movie actor a whole new dimension.

Never failing to lift my mood, from another revue show – “Upstairs At O’Neal’s” comes “Something.” Ever wondered what teacher Karp thought of reluctant student Morales from “A Chorus Line?” These are his thoughts…

As a ‘patter’ number, “Elliot Garfield Grant” from “The  Goodbye Girl” is another sure laugh inducer for me. One of the few surviving songs from the Broadway version to make it to the even less successful London run, Gary Wilmot gives it full joyous blast on the London Cast recording. One show I’m certain could be re-done as a 5 hander, if re-written to more closely follow the film too.

I could also mention “Children of Metropolis” from “Metropolis,” “Don’t Waste The Moon” from “Carrie” and “Mrs Worthington” from “The Story of My Life” just to give you ten… and I’m sure many musical theatre fans can add another thousand to the list.

Point is, it’s the unexpected that always gives most pleasure – just don’t, like Mr P, get seen participating…

Something I can’t believe is true, but is…

According to Fringe & Off West End Audience Report 2011, Theatremonkey.com is the FOURTH MOST POPULAR website for theatre information among the 5000+ Fringe Theatregoers asked.

The only sites above it were Whatsonstage, and the two “official” websites of the entire industry – Offwestend.com and OfficialLondonTheatre.co.uk.

Over a third of those asked used Theatremonkey… easily the smallest of the four… all I want to say is a HUGE THANK YOU to you all.

THANK YOU.

I needed a VERY special greetings card last week. One that I knew couldn’t be found on the shelf at Clinton’s (where I normally go) or my local newsagent (who also does a very nice line in cheaper cards for those I’m not so keen on – but feel obliged to buy for). Remembering an image of a pigeon on a motorbike, I logged onto “FunkyPigeon.com” and was able to instantly design the very thing I needed.

As I was doing it, it was instinctive. My business cards were designed online; in fact, anything I’ve needed printed cheap and quick has been done with the same sort of site. It’s there, I used it, it’s cost-effective, I’m happy.

When the card arrived 24 hours later (no extra cost!) it then hit me.. it’s just another thing that wasn’t around when I was a kid, or even in my 20s – yet it’s now taken for granted. That just got me thinking about other daily objects that just didn’t exist but that are almost impossible to do without today. Almost all small stuff, but it fills a blog entry:

The internet, of course. Obvious. I’d be unemployed without that for sure. Essential for work for me -  but if it didn’t exist there would be more ‘service industry’ jobs of the type I’m qualified for around. Can save a life by making information available? So can a first aid manual – and you don’t have to boot that up first. Fun? Yes, but a million other things are too. Verdict: Keep it in the office.

Mobile/ Cell phones. I only got one a very few years ago, after all the phone boxes everywhere I went had been removed. I still don’t have one that does more than just ring and (I think) can send texts. I don’t need to be on it all day, I don’t need to live life as an endless stream of communications.

Oyster Cards: For paying fares on London Underground. Easy to use, no change needed and no getting your ticket stuck in the machine. One worthwhile improvement.

Gym Club Membership: Drive less, eat less, walk more and learn about your local area. Why give Duncan even more cash, really?

3D TV: Any good reason? Same goes for a zillion channels you have to pay for and that pump out rubbish. Nope, I just don’t get this one.

Discount Clothing Stores: Without allowing for inflation, the actual price of clothes now is far less than when I was growing up. It was very odd that a school uniform today (for a child, not the type Mr P is buying for somebody for next week… I’m not saying who or the date as it’d spoil the shock, er, surprise) costs less than when I was a child. A great thing. On the other hand, who is making them and for how much? Fine, if nobody is getting hurt.

“Electronic Whiteboards” in schools. Seen on a few news programmes recently. These produce a collage of bright colours and video to keep the back row interested. We had a dodgy reel of movie film once a week (if the film arrived from the rental place). Learning how to sit still and concentrate on something difficult is vital, and essential from a very young age if you are going to later have the skill to build your IKEA furniture yourself. Dig up Mr Chips.

Cars the size of trucks: If you have the space, Ok, if not, don’t take anybody else’s. That applies when using them as well. Verdict: If you haven’t been taught using an electronic whiteboard, you’ll get what my feeling is on that one.

In fact, I hope this very random entry provides my general drift. Things change almost without noticing, and some changes are great, others baffling. The oddest of all is that with all the “time savings” they are supposed to create, nobody seems to have any… now a time machine, wouldn’t that be great…

I try to make the text on Theatremonkey.com, this blog and anything else I write at least a little entertaining to read. Somewhere in his office, Mr P has a huge pile of “outtakes” – a papery DVD “extras reel” – from all the varied drafts of the book. Around 90% of these are jokes deemed too long / irrelevant / legally questionable to be included in the final paperback. They all had to be written, though, in order to sift down the ones that would work in context.

Writing an original joke is easy. You just put words together. Writing an original joke that is also FUNNY is far harder – the reject pile proves that. I do think, though, that there are some formulas that can be used to raise the chances of them being successful. Like food flavours, each one appeals to different people – so I wondered which worked best for me (none of the following are written by me, I hasten to add; all are by comedians I idolise: Ken Dodd, Emo Phillips, Ben Elton, and many more)…

“Mis-Direction.” A good start. Man walks into a bar. His nose bleeds. Iron Bar.

“Intellectually obscure”: Sorry, we don’t serve time-travellers in here. Dr Who walks into a bar.

“Clever wordplay”: A man walks into a bar. Asks the barmaid for a double entendre. So she gives him one.

“Impeccable logic”: A duck walks into a bar, asks for a pint and a sandwich. Barman remarks they don’t get many ducks in. Duck replies he’s working locally on a job. Another man walks in, barman’s friend. Barmen tells man about duck and friend goes over to duck’s table to offer duck job with the circus. ‘Why does the circus need a plasterer?’ queries a baffled duck.  

“Cruel but funny”: A duck walks into an off-licence. “Got any bread?” asks the duck. “No” replies the assistant, “we sell booze, not bread. “Oh” says the duck and leaves. Two hours later the duck is back, “Got any bread?” asks the duck. “No” replies the assistant, “I told you before that we sell booze, not bread. “Oh” says the duck and leaves. An hour later the duck is back: “Got any bread?” asks the duck. “No” replies the assistant, “and I’ve told you twice now. If you come asking again, I’ll nail your beak to the shop counter.” “Oh” says the duck and leaves. Three hours later the duck is back. “Got any nails?” asks the duck. “No” replies the assistant.“ “Oh” says the duck, “got any bread?”

And of course, theatrical humour: the very finest, to my mind, of all time lines ever; courtesy of Mr Ken Dodd, who knows because he was there: “Freud said that laughter is the conservation of psychic energy. Then again, Freud never played second house, Friday Night, at the Glasgow Empire.”

It’s timing and presentation too of course. Take a look at “Live From the Apollo” and note that the acts who pace themselves and communicate best with the audience get the most laughs. The “rule of three” build up structure – letting the audience think they are clever by planting a meaningless line three times during an act before paying it off near the end is just one great example of keeping people with you.

So, what makes me laugh? Those who have the gift and are willing to share it. Laughter I think really is the best medicine in the world (unless you are diabetic of course, in which case Insulin is even better).

My name’s been Steve, you’ve been great, and I’m here all week. Thank you very much and goodnight!

I normally catch about 10 minutes of LBC radio every night while preparing for an excursion to Dreamland. Mr P usually catches about 10 minutes of Met Police radio before doing the same, I’ve heard, but that’s just him…

Anyway, the LBC presenter asked listeners to call in and explain to him “When does protest help?” He was referring to the day those protesting outside St Pauls were told by a court to shift. Aside from making work for public cleaning staff, the radio presenter’s stance was that the whole event was a failure. Hence his question to the wider public (and is it just me who misses when LBC was our LOCAL radio station? No. fine. Back to the subject again)…

In my Dreamland anticipatory state, I instantly thought of one example where public protest worked brilliantly: the removal of the ridiculous “Poll Tax” of the early 1990s. Riots are never a good means of making a protest in a democracy… but that one I felt did a greater national good – there’s nothing wrong with paying tax if you have an income of any sort, but when you don’t…

Still, what got me thinking was that normally, it’s the smaller stuff that folk can get changed if they try hard enough. In my own area of theatre customer services, examples included the numerous protests about the very high stage of the London Palladium when “The Wizard Of Oz” opened. Within months of opening, Andrew Lloyd Webber was spotted (allegedly) with his welding torch, mask and can of acetylene, going in through the stage door. Now, he may have been about to sack the Musical Director, or releasing the Tin Man from his costume… but it was odd how the stage two days later was much lower. I do still get anxious emails checking how good the view is from the mid front stalls though – OK, I’m informed.

Another success came last week when a reader pointed out that one seat-back opera glasses holder badly restricted his legroom while watching a play. A quick email to my friends at the Opera Glasses company, a visit from their crack team of opera glasses holder installers (ask your careers officers how you get into that one, kids!) and the issue is no more. Result.

For myself, and also this week, I managed to get one of those nagging problems resolved. No, I don’t mean finally convincing Mr P that “The Priory” might make a wonderful holiday destination this year for him (though, it would). I mean making my life easier by getting one ticketing company who had changed a page layout into something unreadable for me to bring back a “parallel” version of their old and perfectly good page too. It’s to their advantage of course, as I can now list easily their offers again, but still wonderful.

To finish on a wider scale once more, I was even happier to hear that Westminster Council will not proceed with their outrageously stupid plan to charge for evening parking in theWest End. Destroying evening trade for restaurants, theatres and other venues was bad enough as customers would go elsewhere. My concern, though, was the effect on those who work in the area and who face difficult and (particularly for the younger women) dangerous journies home. Further, as they are going home, coming into town are armies of cleaners, maintenance workers and other night working staff – all carrying out essential work at a quiet time so that easier work can be done later on. This time, public voice changed things, no tents or hooliganism required. “When do protests change things,” Mr LBC presenter? When they are justified, for the greater good, and gone about in the right way, I’d say.

I really liked the item in last week’s newspapers about a woman, newly graduated, who was volunteering in a museum while looking for a job in that sector. As she was also claiming Unemployment Benefit, the Benefit office ordered her to do two weeks shelf-stacking in a Poundland store – apparently with the prospect of a job interview at the end of it. The graduate claimed that she got nothing from the work experience, no interview ever happened, and is suing the Government for exploitation.

Now, I’m the first to want the “’Uman Rights Act” repealed in this country as it is a licence for officious lunatic behaviour – and I’m the first to condemn anybody using it as such. In this case, though, I REALLY hope the lady wins.

Why? Because it might inject some common sense into the system. Without having the full facts (there are two sides to every story, of course) it seems on the surface that somebody working at something that might get them a job that they are qualified to do was asked to do something that would set their career back – and indeed take a place away from somebody else who might be seeking a retail career (quite a fun sector to work in, as I’ve done often).

Common sense would instantly suggest the museum worker should have her work designated as appropriate as the shop job – and be treated accordingly.

From my own experience, I know the system is set up to benefit / target only those at the very bottom of the heap. Defenceless folk who won’t or can’t fight back, sly ones who figure out how to cheat the system, and heaven help anybody decent who is forced into one of those places.

The staff there do take a battering from some customers, but are also tied by rules so stolid that anybody going against them is crushed by them; but anybody wishing to tunnel under them can do so without fear of being crushed by them.

In my own case, I was once offered a much needed job in a place about 15 miles from any public transport whatsoever and no housing either – the era of the ‘out of town offices’ that infrastructure never caught up with. The much touted “social fund” was offering loans to help people get into work… could they help – perhaps with a car loan or rent deposit? No! Result: one claimant continued until, two weeks later, he realised what a crock it all was and started doing his own thing. Oh, and I know four others who came to the same conclusions and did the same.

My point is that it isn’t really about “stopping the Shameless Community of Chatsworth Estate” from defrauding us all – as I know, you never know when you may need the system you pay into each week. What it is about is having the imagination to target the right help to each individual. My guess is that the sooner staff are free to do this, the sooner the enormous cost of the system will fall…

Nice dreaming, anyway.

Unconfirmed rumours have it that a new “TV Casting” series is in the offing, with Andrew Lloyd Webber looking to find a leading man (or men) for a new arena tour of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”

My guess is that “Made In Calvary” (the preferred title over “The † Factor,” “You Rang, M’Lord” and “Christ Cross Quiz”) will see first round auditionees forming long lines outside various chapels up and down the country, hoping to impress the choir-masters.

Those lucky enough to be “raised up” to the next level will report to “Herod’s Kindergarten” for the elimination stage. A gruelling selection process climaxes in the famous “walk across the swimming pool” – with anybody actually making it over getting an automatic place in the final 12 disciples, and the rest being selected from among those who don’t actually drown.

Making it through to the live TV shows, the 12 will face a panel consisting of “The Lord” himself, The Archbishop of Canterbury and Imogen Thomas (who will also lead a spinoff show searching for ‘Mary’ on Babestation an hour later). This panel are a late choice after Satan pleaded busy with his “Britain’s Got Talent” series, and both the Pope and Katie Price turned it down for being “too tacky.”

As ever, each night contestants will sing one ‘popular’ song, plus a hymn. Once all contestants have sung, the phone lines will be open to supplicants. Calls will cost no more than 30 pieces of silver from a BT Landline, mobile providers may charge more. Don’t call after the ‘Last Supper’ as your prayers will not be answered but you may still be charged.

Yes, once phonelines close, the disciples will gather around a long table, and a Judas will announce the results “in no particular order.” The two with the fewest votes will be dragged away by Roman soldiers and nailed (fake) to two crosses in front of the judging panel.

After a final sing-off, Andrew Lloyd Webber will decide which of the two will be “resurrected” and come back next week. The loser will then be required to throw down his crown of thorns as he ascends towards the studio ceiling in a cloud of dry ice singing the final notes from the show as he does. This nearly causes a riot in the first episode when, instead of the final theme from “Superstar” being played, the “Up, Up, Up to the Heaviside Layer” closing sequence from “Cats” is accidentally substituted.

The credits will roll, and the show’s sponsor will assure us that “B and Q have all your hardware and materials needs.”

Regular readers of this blog might be surprised at how cynical I am about this idea, given what a huge fan I am of these casting programmes. Somehow, this time, it just doesn’t seem quite so tasteful. The show itself is magical, and from it I easily understood precisely why Christianity inspires so many – it is founded on an amazing tale of faith indeed. It’s also about a man exhibiting a great degree of humility, though… something at odds with the brashness of television.

The Muslim faith have a deeply protective attitude towards their revered icons and strictly forbid their physical representation at all. Somehow, with ideas like this around, I do rather see their point. I do hope the stage show goes ahead, and no doubt I’ll watch the TV show too if that does – but it’s a fine line and I do rather hope any production team make a perfect job of staying on the right side of it.

The sad loss of cartoonist Ronald Searle, co-creator of my favourite character, Nigel Molesworth. Thank you and farewell.

Theatremonkey data helped a journalist to comment on restroom facilities for ladies, in a Guardian Newspaper article. Glad to help draw attention to this real problem.